Kainaat
Have you ever faced the darkness within yourself? Never able to find a light within whether happy or sad?
That's exactly what I am feeling right now.
The darkness is so deep and eerie that I can't find a way out. And the irony is that I can't share this with anyone else but I can just write it down in my diary. I am already 21 and still I haven't achieved anything in my life. All of my friends are getting married or getting married or having children but me. I am still thinking about what to do with my life. I don't have a father. My mother is the bread earner of the house, now my brother helps her. I am still dependent on them even for the smallest expanses. It's not like they taunt me for that but I can't help but to think about it.
I am almost home alone when both my mother and brother leave for their work and all I can think is what a failure I am! It's not just that, I am also under the great pressure of getting married. I have almost rejected more than 10 alliances for marriage, I just don't want to get married now. I want to become something first, before I get married I want to become financially independent.
After writing those words I closed my journal and kept it aside. Just then my mother called me from the kitchen. "Kainaat!"
"Yes, Mumma I am coming." Saying so, I went towards the kitchen and helped mumma to arrange the table for breakfast. "Kainaat, today your results are coming out right?" Mumma asked which I looked at her and smiled, "Yes mumma!" I said as I set the plates for our breakfast. How could I forget about today's result? I thought to myself, after yesterday's argument with mumma about me not getting married I was so lost that I forgot about my 1st semester results. I am a first year fashion designing student, we had given our 1st semester exams before Diwali, so now that Diwali vacations are over our next term will start today with the announcement of results.
"I hope that you score good marks as I have asked someone to help with your fees and plus your daily expenses are crazy." Mumma said this made me look down in shame. "Maybe I should look for a job." I mumbled chewing on my food, "Appi, you already have so much to do when you are going to do work? Plus I am helping my mumma with the expenses." Bhai said I looked at him with anger and he kept mum from that intense. "I want to pitch in as well with the expenses." I retorted back. Mumma was sipping her tea. She put her cup down and said, "If you can manage household chores along with assignments and traveling then I won't mind you having a job."
"But mumma, how can you expect me to do everything all alone? I am doing the chores now because I stay at home most of the time all alone, but once I get a job, I won't be home so often so we keep a helper for house chores." I said excitedly she got up and took her bag and said, "we will talk about this when and if you get a job." With that she left for her work.
Soon after my brother also left for his work and after that he will go to college. I sighed and completed my household chores and started to get ready for college, mumma gave me Rs 500/- before leaving for work and after almost a week she had talked to me sweetly. After I was ready, I dialled my friend Amreen who studies with me in the same college.
"Hello, Amreen." I said on the phone as soon as she answered my call on the fourth ring. "Yes, Kainaat bolo!" She said on the other line, still sounding sleepy, I shook my head at her as if she could see my reaction. "Amreen, do you remember that today our results are coming out, and you are still in bed?" She sighed on the other line and I can hear the rustling of the blanket indicating that she is finally getting her ass out of the bed.
"By what time are we planning to meet?" She asked me in a monotonous way. I expected this from her; she was only doing this course because her mother forced her to do so. Amreen was never interested in this course. "Umm... We are supposed to reach college by noon so we can catch the Bandra slow train and we will reach the college on time." I suggested that, to which she yawned on the phone, which made me more irate as I was already in a foul mood thanks to my mother.
"Okay! I will meet at the station on time." She said before hanging on me. Note giving me a chance to lecture her on being on time. I shook my head looking and put on my earphones listening to my playlist on the phone. I started to do my daily household chores before leaving for college.
It took me almost an hour and half to complete all the household chores after that, I took a quick shower and got ready for the college, I wore a soft pink colored kurti along with straight pants with lace work and a matching dupatta with the floral pattern on it. As I looked at the watch, I realized that I still had an hour to spare. So, I quickly picked up a novel to complete some reading. I got so engrossed in reading that I almost lost track of time. After sometime when I glanced at the watch, I realized that I was almost late to catch the train on time. I quickly put the book down and rushed towards the station after locking the house behind me.
Luckily I reached the station just on time and to my surprise Amreen was already there waiting for me and the train was about to arrive at Mira road station. "Why are you so late? When you are always the one to lecture me to be on time." Amreen huffed as she folded her arms across her chest. She looked beautiful with her open hair and she wore skinny jeans with a yellow off shoulder crop top. It's not that I don't wear jeans and tops but I always save them for special occasions. "Sorry, I lost track of time while reading a novel." I said sheepishly, to which she rolled her eyes at me and mumbled. "You and your novel."
"Tell me one thing, how can you read a book so thick without any picture on it?" Amreen asked, amazed , to which I smiled at her proudly and told her. "You don't know the power of imagination."
Before she could retort to me we heard the blaring horn of a train approaching the station. We shifted our attention to it and took our position to climb on the train to catch a seat for us.
It took us about 30 to 45 mins to reach the college. Once we were there the results were announced, I came second in the whole class which improved my mood a bit, while Amreen managed to pass with good grades as well. After spending sometime in college canteen and receiving instruction regrading second semester we left the college.
We were waiting at the college gate for our ride to come, as we decided to go out and celebrate a little before heading home. I was looking around my surroundings, just then my gaze stopped at the familiar figure outside an office building just opposite from my college. I was not sure if he was the same person, I am thinking he is but doubt was cleared as soon as the person turned and his face come to view, without thinking anything I crossed the road and went towards the office building. I can hear Amreen calling out my name but I didn't answer her because I needed to reach the person before he disappeared inside that office building.
"Keshav!" I called out loudly to that person and he stopped at once and turned to look at me and soon realisation hit him and a big smile formed on his face. He walked towards me with quick steps and pulled in a tight hug.
"Kainaat after so long?" He said, I can hear happiness in his voice.
"Yeah!" I said breaking the hug while still holding the hand in tight grip. Keshav was the only during my school life who treated me nice after he left. I sighed, keeping my thoughts to take over. "Where were you all this years? You never contacted me after school." Keshav complained. To which I gave him a look that says you are the one complaining.
"How could I have? Otherwise your girlfriend would have felt bad naa." I teased him to which he pulled my cheeks and said, "I broke up with her long ago." I giggled and mumbled a simple 'Okay' to him. He was my only friend in the whole school after him. Later when I went to college, I met Farha and Amreen there. After years they were my real friends apart from my book.
"By the way, what are you doing here?" Came the question from Keshav. I blinked at him and answered, "I am here to attend my college." He smiled at me and we talked a bit about random things when someone cleared their throat right beside me and in that moment I realized that I was not alone. I turned to look at Amreen, giving me a teasing look with a suggestive smile. I shook my head at her and introduced her to Keshav
"So what are you studying?" Keshav asked to which I smiled and replied, "I am completing my degree in Fashion designing." To this he whistles lightly. But I fired the same question back to him. "What are you doing? And why are you out of this office?"
"I am studying CA and work here as an accounted adding experience to my biodata." He said smiling widely. I felt a strange knot in my chest and that's when I decided to ask him for help to find me a job.
"Kehav, I need a favor?" I asked slowly to which he looked at me to finish. "Can you help me find a job just like yours in my line of degree?" He kept looking at me for a while and then smiled brightly at me and said dramatically.
"Smajho tumahri talash puri hui baccha." [Consider your search ends here my child.] I looked at him confused, before I could say anything he told me to send my resume to him once I reached my home along with some of my designs, as his company was looking for a new assistant designer. With this we exchanged our contact number and bid our goodbyes. He told me that he would fill my interview form once I give him my resume.
As me and Amreen left from there after talking for a bit more we went to Juhu beach and celebrated with some snacks and icegola. By the time I reached home it was dinner time. When I told my ammi and bhai about my result they were very happy and they ordered food from our favourite takeout place. After dinner we retired to our respective rooms and without wasting a second I typed and sent my resume to Keshav and he immediately replied to me to attend the interview the very next day for the position. I slept with a new ray of hope in my heart.
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